This is going to sound so cliché but: I’m a lover, not a fighter.
I have my moments of frustration where yelling is involved, but they never last long. I also usually end up crying instead of screaming; it’s kinda just what I do.
A recent evening with my partner ended this way, and the following day was quieter than usual. He drove me and our four total kids (two that are mine and two of his) home from the beach. The kiddos were watching movies the whole time, and I stared out the window contemplating my life choices. That whole 6 hour drive felt really heavy.
After getting our children home, fed, and put to bed, we had to have a talk about the day before and how neither one of us had been behaving in a positive, supportive, and helpful way toward each other. I think we were just so excited about the beach and all the activities that we forgot about being present. The day was all about what’s next as opposed to enjoying what is happening now with the children. That can be really challenging more often than not.
Before this trip, we began discussing moving in together. Big shit, right? We are both nervous and happy about the idea, and it’s a good thing that we are approaching this cautiously. The thing was - after the prior evening’s turnout, I was freaked out. Terrified, actually.
But you know what? We can talk about hard things.
I definitely smoked some flower to take the edge off of my nerves, then we dove right into the conversation. We agreed that certain things could’ve been handled differently, that we could have been more of a team in several ways, and that we need to slow down and enjoy the activities that we have going on from day to day, especially while on vacation. It was a really productive talk.
Still not 100 percent reassured, we were tired and we headed to bed. We also needed that intimate cuddle time.
Well, since I’m not a fighter and I’m doing my best to no longer hold grudges, I thought it would be healing for both of our mental states for me to take my panties off and make love to my man. Feeling already slightly aroused from that flower I’d smoked earlier, that’s exactly what I did.
I lay on my side and put my top leg around his waist, moving my hips slowly back and forth while grazing his penis with my vulva. He was nice and hard, and it was easy to slide him right inside me. He was gently rubbing a sensitive spot in my vagina and damn, that felt amazing.
Our rhythms quickly escalated from extremely slow and sensual to “give it to me!” This session wasn’t wild as some others may be, though it was extremely intense. We looked into each other’s eyes, rubbed our hands up and down each other’s backs, and fully physically expressed how we feel about one another. These acts were literally breaking down the wall I had built in my brain the night before.
After getting high, relaxing my mind and my body, and loving my parter in that way, I felt like a different person. The doubtful, anxious thoughts were no longer whirling around in my head. I felt grounded; I felt like I had come back to myself by coming with him.
Calming myself with cannabis and allowing myself to share love that was hovering beneath the anxiety allowed my truth to move back into its rightful place - at the forefront of my being.
The level of intimacy that we’ve found and the way we explore this intimacy is truly earth shattering. It’s as if that night’s exploration of this intimacy re-opened a door, allowing me to see our life for what it presently is - a life full of so much love.